My first semester at BYU, I took American Heritage from Matt Holland. I’m sure that secretly, deep down, he’s an ok guy (maybe– probably not), but as a professor, I couldn’t stand him.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that Dr. Holland was trying to win some sort of popularity contest. His lectures were littered with film clips, photos and cartoons, and really lame jokes. I believe my pet name for him was “Pompous Blowhard.” He spent an entire lecture trying to prove that Thomas Jefferson didn’t sleep with Sally Hemings. Um, who fucking cares? I sure don’t care who Thomas Jefferson slept with. I care about the Declaration of Independence, not who he shared his bed with.
The message of Dr. Holland’s lectures was essentially this: America was founded by God. America is the best country ever. EVER. America has never really done anything wrong, because it was founded by God, and all of its presidents were guided by God, except Clinton.
I took to calling the class “American Propaganda.” And I quit going. I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle the misinformation, the nationalistic pep rally that the class had degenerated into, and I couldn’t handle the way the other students ate it up. I think I’m the only student in the history of BYU who didn’t adore him.
And guess who skipped three months of lectures and aced the final? YOURS TRULY.
Despite people like Matt Holland, Glenn Beck, and the Jonas Brothers, America is still a pretty kick-ass country. Did you know that in Mexico, you can’t flush your toilet paper? You have to put it in the wastebasket. So you see, America is pretty awesome.
But… you can flush your toilet paper in Canada too. Something to consider in case Sarah Palin turns out to be a viable political candidate. (I swear to FSM if that happens, I’m outta here. I’ll go to Canada or Mexico or literally anywhere else.)
On that cheerful note, HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, BABIES!
