My dearest darling Mormon lurkers, perhaps you’re wondering what gift to give to your friends and family members that have lost their testimonies and thus moved to the naughty list? It’s really just a matter of making a few minor adjustments. In the following post, we’ll discuss what you might be tempted to give, and what you ought to give instead.

You might feel that spending an obscene amount of money on one of Hugh Nibley’s tomes will help to rebuild a broken testimony.

Chances are good that your apostate is already somewhat familiar with Nibley’s work. If you’ve actually read more than the back cover yourself, you’ll know that Nibley’s work is obtuse and unreadable. The only reason it bolsters your testimony is because it’s full of big words, so you figure if somebody so smart could know all the issues and stay Mormon, there’s no reason to leave. Believe me, I know. I used to think that.

And by the way: the only worthwhile “approach” to the Book of Abraham is to use it as kindling for the Yule log. Just sayin’.

A better gift would be Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck, Nibley’s daughter.

(I unabashedly love me some Martha Beck.)

Instead of a handy-dandy vial for consecrated oil…

Why not give your favorite apostate something they’ll actually use?

Instead of a subscription to Ensign…

(which goes straight to the recycling bin)

How about something we’ll want to read?

Or a compromise?

What about the kids? I know you might think they’ll appreciate this sort of toy:

But they have new heroes now.

If you’re the sort of person who gives sensible gifts like socks and underwear, instead of new garments, we’d definitely prefer this:

or this:

Ahhhhhhhh…

You might think that we need this:

But we’d really rather have this:

And remember, when in doubt, gift cards are always welcome!

(But not to Deseret Book.)