Commenter Chris recently left some questions for me, which I am only too happy to answer. I’m a giver like that.

Hi Eliza,

I recently discovered your blog and I love it! I am a recently awakened LDS with a wife and kids who think I’ve gone batty and am angry all the time because of my newfound views. I really struggle because I hate church and don’t want to go, but my wife is happier when I do go. Anyway, I didn’t write you to tell you about all my personal issues, but I wanted to ask your opinion on something.

Since some people have caught on to my anti-ness, one member of my ward recommended the staylds.com website. So I read the essay (started by John Dehlin and finished by his crew) and one comment in there caught my interest. In there they said that most LDS who leave the church eventually feel a void in their life and long to be able to return if they could. I think I can kind of understand this feeling, probably mostly emotional due to the tight social integration and sense of community, but I was just curious, have you found this to be the case with those you have been in communication with? Do you think people feel an emptiness after a while of not having the church in their life or is it more about longing for the acceptance of family and friends? I’m not sure because since I have come to my conclusions I don’t miss church at all (when I haven’t gone), but maybe I am different…I don’t know. It certainly requires a level of maturity to fully accept a worldview minus the church, but I think it can be done long term. I look forward to your thoughts.

I really appreciate your blog, because you write frequently, which I am very envious of. Lately it seems I am doing more writing in response to GA talks (most recently making comments on Dallin Oaks talk on criticism, that’s a doozy) and family correspondence which I never show anyone because they all say I am angry and just out to get them to convert to my views. Thanks again!

Chris

Well Chris, I am not terribly familiar with the New Order Mormon and StayLDS movements. I have spent some time on both of those sites, but since going that route only appeals to me when I’m in a chemically altered state of mind, I haven’t looked into it too much.

That said, I recognize that StayLDS and New Order are valuable resources, and a completely valid way of handling disaffection. Leaving Mormonism was hard for me, and it meant hurting my parents and family. But even if I hadn’t lost my faith completely, I don’t think I would have been able to stay. Mormonism, “true” or not, is just not for me.

I left when I was 20, single and childless. Let us suppose that I had been temple-married. Leaving would have been much, much more complicated if my disaffection had threatened a marriage. It is a sad fact that disaffection with the Mormon church very often leads to divorce. Had I been in that situation, perhaps the New Order route might have seemed more appealing.

It is worth noting that John Dehlin has recently made remarks about the unsustainable nature of attempts to “Stay LDS”, that it’s an incredibly difficult route, and that many find it impossible due to personal integrity. Ultimately, it proves too difficult to keep your mouth shut in Sunday School, to send your children to seminary or BYU, to give your all to an organization that you don’t agree with on many important issues.

For a short time after my disaffection, there was a Mormonism-shaped hole in my life, but eventually, other things expanded or arrived to fill it. I take issue with the idea that “most LDS who leave the church eventually feel a void in their life and long to return if they could.” I just don’t think that’s true. The honest truth is that apostates, after they’ve had sufficient time to process their disaffection, are about the happiest group of people around. I know that goes against everything the church has to say about apostates, but it’s the truth. The apostates I know are committed to living present, full lives, instead of waiting for an eternal bliss that may or may not come. One of the cliches amongst apostates is, “I’ve never been happier!” By golly, it’s true.

There are certainly things about Mormonism that I miss. I miss the sense of community. I miss “knowing” what this business called life is all about. I miss feeling like I’m part of something larger than myself. I miss singing hymns. I miss the wonderful people that now largely dismiss me because of my changed relationship to the church. I miss the church of my childhood, when the very last dregs of fun were being squelched out of the church by Correlation.

I don’t miss letting the Brethren do my thinking for me. I don’t miss having every aspect of my life regulated. I don’t miss handing over ten percent of my income without any real knowledge of what’s being done with it. I don’t miss being undervalued and patronized as a woman. I don’t miss the homophobia and bigotry.

While there are things about Mormonism that I miss,  I don’t “long to return.” Not even a little bit. It might make my family happy, but it would make me miserable. I recognize that the cost/benefit ratio is different for everybody. There are many ways to deal with disaffection, and the right way is the way that works for you. If you feel like you are better off without the church in your life, you’re probably right. Good luck, Chris!

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