Ok. You’re a newly minted apostate. Fawn Brodie said that leaving the church felt like taking off a heavy coat on a summer day. That’s how it felt for me, too– a relief. Whew! I don’t have to believe all this stuff anymore! The church is the problem, not me! No more sacrament meetings! No more visiting teaching! I’ll never have to wear garments or marry a pompous RM! Yeehaw!

Ah yes, I certainly felt relief. It was refreshing to take off the heavy coat of Mormonism– for about two minutes. Then I started to feel VERY NAKED.

Leaving Mormonism is a path fraught with problems that can only be understood by those who have taken it. It’s painful. It’s awkward. It’s scary. You lose everything, but you also have everything to gain. As somebody who has been down this path for five years now, I respectfully submit my suggestions for making this journey a little bit easier.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Get evangelical about the untruthfulness of Mormonism

For some of us, the first instinct is to shout it from the mountaintops: WE’VE BEEN HAD! THE CHURCH IS A LIE! I get it. I really do. I tried to share my discoveries with friends, old roommates, and in an astounding display of poor judgment, my 17-year-old sister. This is an excellent way to lose friends and alienate people. Most Mormons just don’t want to know. In my last years of belief, I studiously avoided church history, because I knew that it might damage my testimony, and I wasn’t ready for it at that point.

You feel betrayed. That’s fine, because you were betrayed. You want to help your friends and family members, you want to save them from Mormonism? You can’t. Ultimately, it’s a decision they have to make for themselves. Remember when you still believed? How did hearing “anti-Mormon lies” make you feel? Don’t expect your loved ones to react differently just because they’re hearing it from you. If you are interested in preserving your relationships with these people, don’t pile information on them that they don’t want to hear. If pressed for an explanation, say something like, “I found out that the church isn’t what it claims to be.” Then leave it alone. If people want to know, they’ll ask you. Otherwise, zip it. Seriously.

Be angry and mean

You probably have some anger towards your church leadership and your parents, people who played a part in indoctrinating you. Your family and friends will probably not take the news of your testimony loss very well, and their resulting actions will probably piss you off even more. I had a TON of anger towards the church, BYU, and my family, and unfortunately during the months immediately after my apostasy, I took that anger out on my parents. I was not a nice person to be around. I really wish that I could change that, and have a lot of regrets about the way I behaved.

Anger, like all emotions, is temporary. You WILL work through your anger. You WILL get to the other side of it, and when you do, the last thing you want is for your relationships with your Mormon friends and family to be in ruins. Your anger is completely normal and completely justified, but please, please be careful with the way you express it. The angry, mean apostate may be a cliché somewhat based in reality, but you don’t want to be a cliché, do you?

(Please note that I’m not talking about anger at church leadership. I’m still very, VERY pissed off about the machinations of the First Presidency and their little henchmen. But make sure you don’t misdirect that anger at the people you love.)

Go off the deep end

This is probably what your Mormon loved ones expect you to do. They believe that the Mormon church provides one’s moral framework. They may believe that your moral framework has already collapsed; otherwise you wouldn’t have lost your testimony. My sense of morality changed dramatically. Sex before marriage? No big deal. Being unkind? HUGE DEAL. Things that I had previously thought were fairly inconsequential became very important to me, and a lot of the things that I had used to determine whether someone was “good” or not became unimportant.

A lot of the Mormon rules no longer applied in my moral world, but the basics remained: don’t hurt others or yourself. Breaking the Mormon rules is fun. It’s a rush to try things that were previously forbidden to you, but don’t lose your head. A lot of things that were a bad idea as a Mormon are still a bad idea: a meth habit, unsafe sex, knocking over convenience stores, etc.

I don’t want to insult anybody with this admonition. I was certainly insulted when people asked me what would prevent me from cheating, lying, and stealing now that I had no testimony. And if the only thing preventing you from becoming a career criminal was the Mormon church, you probably have bigger issues that you might want to address with a therapist. But seriously, for a time, the moral waters will be a little murky. Be careful!

Make huge life decisions

You might want to make some rash decisions. I, for instance, got engaged to somebody the same week I met him. (How Mormon of me, right?) Having been there, I understand the desire to do something, ANYTHING to change your life or distract you from the pain of testimony loss. Lie down until the urge passes. Leaving the Mormon church is traumatic. It’s a huge loss, and one that takes a long time to process and mourn. Make sure you’re not changing your life for the sake of changing your life. Take time to very carefully consider your decisions. You’ll be glad of it later.

WHAT TO DO

Take care of yourself

Make sure you are getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating right. This is going to be a really stressful time for you, and you won’t do yourself any favors by skimping on sleep or gorging on junk food, or not eating at all. Your mind is going through a trauma. Try to make sure that your body doesn’t have to.

Depending on your situation, you’re probably going to have family, friends, and ward members that are VERY concerned about you. Set some healthy boundaries and stick to them. You don’t have to talk to the bishop, stake president, visiting teachers, home teachers, etc. You can always ignore the doorbell or turn off your phone.

Take time to do things that you enjoy. Watch funny movies. Listen to good music. Go for walks. Take bubble baths. Try that belly-dancing class now that you’re not worried about the eternal ramifications of exposing your midriff. Make time for plenty of quiet solitude– you have a lot of thinking to do.

Seek God outside Mormonism

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, but I think it’s really valuable to explore other religions– not necessarily to find a new one, but so that you’re aware of what’s out there, and to have some positive experiences with religion. I felt very cut off from God after I lost my testimony, and so I enjoyed attending Mass, listening to Mahalia Jackson, and reading Joseph Campbell. It’s been wonderful to explore the concept of God and what that means to me, and besides, I just find religion fascinating.

Religions and groups that tend to appeal to ex-Mormons include Buddhism, Taoism, Reform Judaism, Liberal Quakers, Unitarian Universalists, and Evangelical Lutherans (my favorite!). It’s interesting to observe what “church” and “God” mean to other people.

You may not believe in God anymore, but I would still encourage you to seek “the sublime”, as it were. Spend time in nature, listen to Mozart, meditate… there are so many things that are more powerful and more “spiritual” than anything Mormonism has to offer.

Have a cup of coffee!

Yes, I know advised caution earlier. I’m still advising caution when it comes to breaking “rules.” But for heaven’s sake, at least get yourself a cup of coffee, and NOT from Starbucks, ok? Get yourself a decent cup of coffee, and if you don’t like it, try a latte or mocha. Have a glass of wine. Enjoy the sweet nectar that is tequila. Try beer. (You’re not gonna like it at first, but stick it out. Trust me.) Just take it easy, especially if you’re living with Mormons. Don’t damage your relationship with them by coming home wasted. Learning how to drink responsibly takes time, so don’t rush it. Also, do not make drunk Facebook videos. Just don’t do it. I know it might seem like a really good idea at the time, but you’ll regret it in the morning. Seriously.

Be gentle

Please try to be kind and patient to the Mormons. Remember that you were there once too. Remember that in their eyes, you are doing the worst thing a person could possibly do. Remember that they are really, truly worried about your eternal welfare. If you are married, be gentle and patient with your spouse. Be kind to your parents– an apostate child is a Mormon parent’s worst nightmare, after all. If you are mean and nasty, it only lends credence to the idea that Satan has a hold on you. Do your best to be kind.

At the same time, don’t make promises you can’t keep. At one point, I told my dad I would try to regain my testimony. I said it to get him off my back, and of course, I had no intention of trying to regain a testimony, because well, that’s impossible. I can’t put the cat back in the bag. I gave my father false hope, which ultimately hurt him even more. I shouldn’t have done that. I wish I had been honest from the word go, even though it would have been painful for both of us. Sometimes you have to tell the ugly truth, even if hurts somebody. That’s the position that the Mormon church has put us in. Thanks, guys!

Keep a journal

Journal-writing is one of the few helpful practices encouraged by the Mormon church. I’ve always been a diarist. I had my mom write down diary entries before I could do it myself. I need to find those by the way, because I think it’s hilarious that somewhere there’s an account of how annoying I found my baby sister to be, written in my mom’s handwriting.

Anyway, as mentioned before, you’re gonna have a lot of rage, and a lot of emotion, and a lot of thoughts to sort through. A journal is a safe place to do that. Or, I KNOW! Start an anonymous blog! Then you can vent, vent, vent away.

See a therapist

This is maybe the best thing to do for yourself. I’ve seen therapists for various issues over the years, and it helps so much. Sometimes just one or two sessions can make a world of difference. There’s something incredibly helpful about unburdening yourself to a third party who can look at your situation with fresh eyes. If you’re bristling and saying, I DON’T NEED TO SEE A SHRINK, get over yourself and see one anyway. Mormonism is a total mindfuck, so you’ve got issues from that, plus you’re most likely going to have some serious family problems, at least for a while. Get yourself some therapy.

If you don’t have insurance or think you can’t afford it, poke around in your community. There are often programs that can help you. If you live near a university, a psych student can provide counseling for free or very low rates. The best counselor I ever had was a grad student at BYU, if you can believe it. If you don’t like your counselor, find a new one. My aforementioned grad student was found after I didn’t click with another counselor.

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That’s about all I’ve got for now, if anybody’s still reading. I just really enjoy giving unsolicited advice. Happy apostatizing, babies!