I received a very kind message from a well-meaning TBM the other day, who told me that he enjoyed my writing, but wished that I would come back to the fold. I know this person meant well, and I certainly was touched that he took the time to reach out to me, but go back to church? The Mormon church?
I don’t like to say words like “never” or “impossible,” but I will never be a true, believing Mormon again. It’s impossible.
There are various reasons for this. I suppose the biggest one would be that I opened Pandora’s box, and guess what flew out? Polygamy, polyandry, peepstones, anachronisms in the Book of Mormon, the fraud that is the Book of Abraham, racism, Danites, the changing temple ceremony which was cribbed from the Masons… need I go on?
I can’t un-know what I know. Knowing what I know about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, I will never be able to believe that they were prophets. Knowing what I know about the Book of Mormon, I will never be able to believe that it is a true account of pre-Colombian society.
Knowing what I know, I will never be able to believe that the church is “true.”
I know that many of my Mormon loved ones fervently believe that if I’d just go to church, or read the Book of Mormon again, or humble myself just a little, I’d regain a testimony. They’re wrong. They don’t understand that I don’t even have a starting point for that. I don’t believe in a personal god– how am I supposed to believe in a Heavenly Father, Jesus, and a celestial harem of Heavenly Mothers?
It’s impossible. It’s never going to happen.
And I’ve always maintained that even if it were true, I still wouldn’t be interested. I’m not interested in worshiping the Mormon god. He’s a right bastard. I’m not interested in worshiping a god who would ask his daughters to share their husbands. I won’t worship a god who asks his prophet to build multi-million dollar temples with tithing money, rather than feeding the hungry or healing the sick. I won’t worship a god who only gives his priesthood to half of his children. If by some chance, the Mormon god is a real person (unlikely), I don’t want anything to do with him.
And even when I did have a testimony, I certainly wasn’t excited about it, for the reasons listed above. Even when I believed in Jellohim (Mormon god), I didn’t like him very much, not least because he expected me to endure three hours of utter boredom every Sunday.
Losing the church has been painful, yes, but would I change it? Would I go back if I could? Would I stop myself from Googling or reading No Man Knows My History?
Never. And I thank my lucky stars that it’s impossible.
). The escaped prisoner who has seen the sun can never again be satisfied with shadows and chains. Those who remain prisoners might assert that the escapee has lost his “sight”, but it is they who cannot see. 
